How to be highly paid manager even though you are a stupid moron?

Posted on 1244797040|%e %b %Y, %H:%M %Z|agohover under humour software

I am not sure about everyone, but I believe those who have worked as a programmer for sufficient time, will understand this. It might sound odd, but it is not that difficult to find these type of people. Actually I would go as far as saying “Finding these type of people is dead easy. Finding the real ones is hard.”

dilbert-cartoon

Taken from this splendid entry on stackoverflow

So here is my short guide to be manager of programmers even when you normally don’t have the clue what you are talking about.

  1. Start a subscription of good technology magazine. Whenever a new issue arrives, read the headlines (only) of all articles and recite few new names in it. You will need to utter one of those in big management meetings so that you sound most updated person.
  2. Once in a while, open one of those fat books which you managed to steal from your library when you were pursuing your dumb management degree, and go through some of those chapters. Hey! You will find at least dozen management ideas which sound super cool but actually does nothing in practice. You can suggest those ideas to someone and pretend to be super-intelligent. Don’t worry, if ever, someone will try to work on those ideas, soon he will become more confused than ever and will never come to you again.
  3. Don’t be too involved with your sub-ordinates. More you speak, more they will know the truth you are a stupid moron. So say few words straight from Oxford dictionary, sit back and relax.
  4. Always use the ^professional^ language in your documents and emails. Don’t use witty sentences and humour ‘coz that will create an impression that you are not professional. Any yes, don’t forget to discourage your sub-ordinate who uses simple English to say things straight and little humour to enjoy his job/work. You can say something like “You need to work a lot on your communication skills”. It will make him feel you are perfect manager and he should improve a lot to be *such a nice manager*.
  5. Whenever you are in a meeting, act like you an angel straight from heaven. Speak in a very low polite voice and sound a real gentleman. I know you are not actually like that but you need to pretend that you are a gentleman.
  6. Don’t leave a single chance to mark your name on a good work done by your sub-ordinate. Do mention his name for good work also when he is present and a very few people are listening to you, otherwise maintain *your* larger than life image.
  7. Instil a culture of ideals that don’t actually mean anything practical, this involves coming up with a mantra that sub-ordinates are supposed to adopt like “we must all realise the max” or “strive to achieve” etc. Essentially this means asking people to do more work without getting more money and still feeling good about it.
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